i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
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the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Tammy is short for Tamuel
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
*aggressively waits in line*
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.