First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
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It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.