The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
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Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
calling in to work dehydrated
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”