If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
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“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Oh. My. God.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.