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They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
taking June’s advice to heart
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what