I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
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I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.