If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
You Might Also Like
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook