DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
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Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes