YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
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I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair