My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
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If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.