A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
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*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
accurate
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.