The glockness monster
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Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now