how do y’all walk in shallow water
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wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.