Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
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Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”