[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
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me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken