Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
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Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.