Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
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“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me