6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
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Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
☠️☠️☠️
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.