[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
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[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
You know…for fall…
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
stand with me against insufficient seating
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.