I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
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[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
AM I BEING GASLIT????
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water