If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
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For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.