Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
You Might Also Like
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed