“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
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It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh