Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
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-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees