I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
You Might Also Like
Facebook Twitter
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
This headline is a thing of beauty
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho