The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
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the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.