I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
You Might Also Like
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
who did the taste test?
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
My time has come.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*