AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
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Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Basically.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Worst Native American name ever.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl