My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
You Might Also Like
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
mom gave me mine for free
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
I
T
H
I
N
KW
ES
H
O
U
L
DR
U
I
NP
E
O
P
L
E
ST
I
M
E
L
I
N
EB
YT
W
E
E
T
I
N
GL
I
K
ET
H
I
SA
L
LD
A
Y
.
.
.
.
.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.