me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
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Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office