Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
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girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”