My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
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It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
when the buffet is more honest than your date
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?