[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
You Might Also Like
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up