French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
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I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
where do you see yourself in five years?
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look