Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
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If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”