I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
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You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
And that about sums it up.