I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
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Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Wait a second…
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.