Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
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I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!