I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
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Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
I am laughing way too hard at this.