My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
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I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.