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If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.