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There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*