Get off my horse you stupid moon
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The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
S M O L
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.