Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
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I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on