Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
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If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
It was worth a shot 😂
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.