🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
You Might Also Like
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*