GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
You Might Also Like
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard