God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
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I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
This will never not be funny 😭
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments