*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
You Might Also Like
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
That’s incredible! 👌
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.