sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
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Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich